The blues

I have been feeling  a little down these past couple of months without any tangible reason for my blues.
I am appalled that it has taken me this long to actually realize depression is an illness. The same way cancer or malaria or the flu is an illness., I always categorized depression as something that happened to certain people or was by choice.

Of course until it happened to me. Sure I have dealt with dark emotions before, a lot of which I pulled from to write Still.

However I had never truly grasped and accepted depression as an illness. See in our society both here and in Nigeria, mental illness is scoffed at, swept under the rug. There is visceral response of sympathy and empathy for any illness....that is apart from mental illness.

I am guilty of this.

I remember when one of my guy friends told me a girl we both knew was seeing a therapist. "Well I ain't surprised. She cra cra." I said inwardly.

Judgemental much?

I have heard pastors say that if you are truly living a Christian life that you won't be depressed nor will you  need a therapist/counsellor / life coach. Well, I agree with that in some foundational level.

My understanding of Gods word has led me to believe that being in the continual presence of God is the only source of true Joy. The joy of The Lord is truly your strength. Before I go into full past pastoress Eniola mode let me go back to my original point.

Saying going to a therapist due to depression is a sign of weakness is like saying going to an oncologist for chemo for cancer is a sign of weakness.

It's the same thing.

We have all ignored the true costs of mental illness and the toll it takes on everyone involved if resources /treatment are not available.

mental illness is the window that the devil uses to inhabit a heart then  the next Virginia  tech shooting happens or elementary school shooting happens.

I have realized that depression is one of the hardest illnesses to treat. I am one that believes in science and believes in common sense. "My African brothers and sisters not every ailment is from your enemy in the village."

However I also know that " for the weapons of our warfare are not Carnal but mighty through God for the pulling down of strongholds.

Depression is one the most perfect examples of illness being a spiritual battle. I don't believe taking an SSRI for however long will cure you. Yes you may feel better but it's symptomatic treatment. Like treating the fever or headache or runny nose you get from a virus but not treating the virus itself.

When your girl realized that my emotions were not normal. I took control spritually and kibashed the spirit away.

I will admit I still struggle but I am better than before.


I pray for the grace to treat people who are struggling with mental illness  with the love of God cos I gotta admit it can't be my love. Mental illness is not a joke. I did a rotation in St. Elizabeth the mental hospital/ prison where John Hinckley (the man who shot president Reagan is) and I is knows.

My hope is knowing that by his stripes we are healed .....including mental illness.

What I am obsessed with!

It seems like Pgy 2 year for me is binge watching shows during free time. My get netfllix for free trial has turned into a monster! Instead of studying for In training Exam aka yearly -Program Director -humiliation -tool -exam I was binge watching on Wentworth British or is it Australian  version of OINTB and Homeland

I have heard about the show but being a self confessed "cheapotle" I is wasn't going to pay any extra money to get Showtime. My very extensive search for a  virus free boot leg website was unsuccessful. It became available and I was hooked. No matter how guilty I felt I couldn't stop! I only stopped to eat, poop and shower.

What I got from the show : what makes Homeland work isn't particularly extraordinary story lines. it isn't even mentally unbalanced bipolar aka cra cra  Carrie Claire Danes character. Okay on second thought maybe a little of it is her.  Its the abilty of the show to keep you on your toes. Its absolutely riveting. I swear I was having palpitations. I remember watching the first episode from season 3 when I didn't know much about the back story * spolier alert* LOOK AWAY IF YOU INTEND TO WATCH when that station chief was killed.  I was glued to the television screaming. My plan was to watch an episode a day but after I watched the episode on the embassy attack, I couldn't with the suspense!  I just had to find out what happened.

I wonder if they are any christian shows/ series that are really interesting. if yall know any please inbox me. I would love to binge watch those to.

I am starting  a christian mentorship scholarship organization for college age girls . I should probably post about that but I am just going to procrastinate and do it at another time. Do shoot me an email if you are in the DMV area and you are interested in being a mentor/mentee

Random thought: I just realized that I don't write about what I don't particularly enjoy. Trust me I have tried to write about residency but no blog post  can truly encapsulate the joys of being a resident

Wentworth Thought : In comparison to OINTB its better.  Especially because the last season of orange was weak. Its darker, unpredictable and is punctuated with laughs here or there. Let me not begin to talk about the pure evil that was Joan 'The Freak' Ferguson.  * Sprays holy water* 

They should pay me to watch and review these shows. anybody hiring? 

To view or not to view...

I got Netflix because of House of cards.  I convinced myself that the subscription would be cancelled immediately after the show was over.

Then I started watching OINTB.

Then I started watching all 4 seasons of The Killing

It all went down hill from there. I

I love television. I really do! Aside from my unhealthy addiction for ratchet reality tv, I love the art of television, the ability of the writers to keep the viewer interested and engaged is a fascinating to me.  

I like to predict the story arcs, the twists and the characters actions.  I am good oh! The more I write the more I have convinced myself that television isn't bad. in fact it isn't bad, too much of tv like everything is bad.

Anyway I am going to review The Killing today. 

It was a show that was first on A and E and all four seasons are now on Netflix.

The Killing is an American crime drama television series that premiered on April 3, 2011, on AMC, based on the Danish television series Forbrydelsen (literally The Crime). The American version was developed by Veena Sud and produced by Fox Television Studios and Fuse Entertainment. Set in Seattle, Washington, the series follows the various murder investigations by homicide detectives Sarah Linden (Mireille Enos) and Stephen Holder (Joel Kinnaman).

Straight from my ever reliable source wikipedia

When a friend first recommended it to me,I rolled my eyes and said, “Great another procedural cop tv show”  

I also thought it was similar to The Following because of the similar titles. I watched the first few episodes of The Following and let me tell ya this was the first series to scare me enough that I was afraid to be alone in my own home.

I liked “The Killing” because its different from the formulaic law and order, CSI etc on surface value. I have an affinity for a small dose of dark in literary mediums and the feel of “The Killing” is definitely dark. From the extremely depressing and perpetually wet weather of Seattle and the mildly mentally off Detective Linden, its definitely on the higher end of the Richter scale for dark. The lighter moments are usually provided by Holder, Lindens male partner who is the detective version of Eminem an urban (euphemism for black) white dude formerly drug addict turned detective whose witty wise cracks reduces the darkness of the murder investigations.

The dichotomy provides a very interesting rich dynamic between both partners. Linden and Holden are Ying to Yang. Linden is extremely multifaceted and fascinating as a character. AKA she is a little cra cra. She  was a foster child who was bounced around homes and subsequently is a runner. Home gal runs from every situation that makes her uncomfortable. She absorbs herself so immensely into a case that she neglects herself and her son. I am trying to limit spoilers if you do decide to binge watch on Netflix, her attitude towards her son catches up with her in the first season. Like the rest of the world, her moral compass is also slightly off.

The Killing is not about a murder investigation per se. Its about the ripple effect a lost life has on a family, the community and even transcending to politics affecting the mayor. The writers and Sud did an excellent job of showing this to the viewers mostly in the first and second season.

The main criticism of the first season was a lack of resolution of the Rosie Larsen murder case. I didnt have t worry about that because I binge watched on Netflix. shrugs shoulders 

I cannot deal with the Nollywood inspired suspense. 

The third season was also strong but I felt the fourth season which was planned as the final season and was also shortened missed the mark. The murder mystery wasn't much of a mystery albeit being intriguing. The back story between Holder and Linden and their psychological break down from the aftermath of season three was more interesting to watch . Overall The Killing was a great season that I would highly recommend for binge watching.

Next up : Grand Hotel on Netflix .. updated poor man's version of Mr. Selfridge

Next Up OINTB ..a will write a dissertation on this. I was not pleased

Next next up The Fall.. another detective show with a hawt hawt hawt serial killer. Yeah those words should not be in the same sentence but you have to watch the show to understand

ASA and Brooke Fraser

What does a Parisian born  Nigerian old-school soul singer  and a New Zealand born christian leaning singer have in common. These are the  two women who were the sound track for writing and completing Still. I have profound respect and admiration for these women. They are so uniquely talented and they are not wasting their gifts.

In this world of over saturated pop plastic songs,  which I must admit I subscribe to. *Sings Taylor Swift’s  Bad Blood*  Side note if you haven't watched the video please go watch it for cameo galore and girl power. It was also absolutely hilarious bordering on cute to watch Taylor Swift try to act tough.

Anyway its refreshing to see women that go against the grain and stand out in a big way.

I wish I could compose music because its such a gratifying and quick process.

Step 1 Have an idea of a song

Step 2 w rite it

Step 3  put some beats

and viola a song in approximately 1 – 2 months.

However in writing,

1, have an idea

2. brood on the idea for a year

3. Start writing the novel

4. complete writing in 2 years time

5. Edit in 6 months – 1 year

6. Then publish.

Sigh lets not go into publicity and marketing.

But they say the

Grass is always greener right….

I also truly believe we are all uniquely created by God for a specific purpose…nothing is a mistake with God. Even  my personality was carefully calculated

Psalm 139 vs 4 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Its absolutely refreshingly to have women like these though. I love their creativity ! All Creativity is a testament to God because He made all things for his pleasure.

Hear that Kanye! Your creativity is not by your own doing. You aint Yeezus.

PS I absolutely love medical residency .. all about saving lives (insert heavy sarcasm here)

ASA

Brooke Fraser 

PPS how do you post videos on a blog? I could only post a hyperlink. 

Feature on accepted.com

Hey guys


Happy Easter y'all!!!! Do check out my feature on accepted.com blog here. It's about my experiences in medical school/residency and some pearls of wisdom from an old g like me. :)

Please check it out

The days are longer and the years are short.

Its hard to believe that its almost a year since I started residency. 

Amen o the above title. Gad let the years fly by fast!! Then I can check the residency box and file it under never to be done by me again! 

While I am extremely grateful to be in the position I am in, I have to echo my close friends sentiment-  "Residency is not for kids." I am tired all the time and sometimes I feel I cant win

No matter how much I take note of "constructive feedback: which does not exist in most residencies (that is a post for another day)  I cant win.

Even when I think I am doing better, have a better clinical understanding of my patients I cant win.

There s always something the "intern" has done wrong and its so  easy to pin point the flaws.

That is how the system is and I find I resent the medical training bureaucracy that I am a product off. 

Ive realized it sometimes so much easier to listen and to internalize the negative.

The words I tell myself, the words from my resident, my attendings, the world tells me 

From everyone else except God.

I ask myself why do I chose to listen to words of discouragement. 

Words that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. That I am an incompetent physician.

I made a choice to listen to my homie Jesus. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the apple of his eyes. I am the head and not the tail. I will trust him and He will make my path straight.  I am blessed. I am beloved.. I am the apple of God's eye. 

When God says "With God all things are possible."

Its extremely difficult to hear the lone voice of God in the clamor of discouragement.

Its a working process.

There are some days that the devil does not have to beat me down

I do it for him

But I have made of my mind to to listen to the one who loves me more than I love myself.

Aint no body going to tell me I am beautiful , fabulous, gifted, 

I tell myself. 

After all I am pre validated by Jesus. We all are. 

Now off to watch Ratchet Reality TV monday. May God deliver me. Sign of the cross

Now lets talk about Kim Kardashian

Every media outlet, new paper, blog and pop culture medium is talking about Mrs. West and her nude pics. You can't escape it, even if you tried.  If you are on any form of social media you will probably come across the very interesting picture . Heck you can't escape it if you live in the United States of America.

I don't particularly dislike Kim Kardashian nor do I like her either. To me, she’s like a mildly entertaining circus performer, like background noise of the television while you surf the internet on your laptop. She’s not supposed to taken seriously nor does she act like she is to be taken seriously. I think we  have too much time on our hands and we  give her the attention she craves. What is so shocking about Kim posing nude? With her barely there outfits and increasingly provocative photo shoots, she has left little to the imagination. To be honest, when I actually saw the pictures, I yawned. Quite frankly I had seen it before. Its not like Michelle Obama decided to pose nude or Malala Yousafzai or even the everyday woman who manages to work  a 9 to 5 job, keeps a home and also 

has a side business decided to pose nude.  

Then that would be something.

We as a society gives Kim K this attention. This is exactly what keeps her relevant. If she released the picture and  no one even bothered to blog, tweet or even criticize her about it, she would think twice before doing so again. But alas my blog post is an oxymoron, by writing this I am feeding into her social media machine. The last person on the planet who is blissfully unaware of the pictures  will click on my post, probably google the pics, giving her name more hits on the internet and help fulfill the obnoxious  #breaktheinternet hashtag.  

I believe as a society we have lost our moral core. I believe we have lost sight of what is wrong or right . Most importantly there are no role models for anyone to look up to. I am honestly speaking to myself . I do watch the Kardashian shows on E! not religiously  but for background entertainment. In some ways I am also fueling the Kim K machine. I am part of the problem I watch her because pop culture interests me. 

Kim K is a passing fancy, no matter how famous she is, she will not live an everlasting legacy.Ss her former bff Paris Hilton waned in popularity, so will she.

So I ask myself why do I waste my precious limited time on her or her brand?

Maybe its time to really keep that promise to myself and read about someone that did live an everlasting legacy you like  maybe Jesus, Esther…….

Why am I writing about her again?