The days are longer and the years are short.

Its hard to believe that its almost a year since I started residency. 

Amen o the above title. Gad let the years fly by fast!! Then I can check the residency box and file it under never to be done by me again! 

While I am extremely grateful to be in the position I am in, I have to echo my close friends sentiment-  "Residency is not for kids." I am tired all the time and sometimes I feel I cant win

No matter how much I take note of "constructive feedback: which does not exist in most residencies (that is a post for another day)  I cant win.

Even when I think I am doing better, have a better clinical understanding of my patients I cant win.

There s always something the "intern" has done wrong and its so  easy to pin point the flaws.

That is how the system is and I find I resent the medical training bureaucracy that I am a product off. 

Ive realized it sometimes so much easier to listen and to internalize the negative.

The words I tell myself, the words from my resident, my attendings, the world tells me 

From everyone else except God.

I ask myself why do I chose to listen to words of discouragement. 

Words that tell me I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. That I am an incompetent physician.

I made a choice to listen to my homie Jesus. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am the apple of his eyes. I am the head and not the tail. I will trust him and He will make my path straight.  I am blessed. I am beloved.. I am the apple of God's eye. 

When God says "With God all things are possible."

Its extremely difficult to hear the lone voice of God in the clamor of discouragement.

Its a working process.

There are some days that the devil does not have to beat me down

I do it for him

But I have made of my mind to to listen to the one who loves me more than I love myself.

Aint no body going to tell me I am beautiful , fabulous, gifted, 

I tell myself. 

After all I am pre validated by Jesus. We all are. 

Now off to watch Ratchet Reality TV monday. May God deliver me. Sign of the cross